Allyson Maida, Ed.D., LCSW
Schedule an in person or virtual appointment by calling:
203-227-1622
Blog Layout
Hats off to everyone who has transitioned
from face-to-face lives to living (and working) on-line. This has been a
difficult time for everyone as we have had to almost suddenly make changes that
had one month ago been completely unimaginable. That is the word, unimaginable.
Beyond historical discussions of bioterrorism, you wouldn’t have thought we
would be all alone together.
This is not bioterrorism; this is a virus and
this virus is doing its job perfectly. Viruses exist to infect, find a host
cell and spread, which is exactly what the coronavirus is doing. In our effort
to terminate this virus, we have established new terminology such as shelter in
place, self-quarantine, social distancing and super-spreader. In what may seem
like a heartbeat our lives have changed. Conversations and focus have narrowed
in on how to move from working and socially interacting in close physical
proximity to sheltering in place, while we socialize (and if we are fortunate,
work) autonomously solely using technology. Commutable distances are no longer
an issue. We can do it all – or most of it – from here. Within this brief and
frenetic period how often have you heard; we have no idea how to do this.
There is no format for everyone one of us staying in and doing so much online.
How long can we stand meeting in this way? Is there etiquette? What is this? Weeks
into the spread of COVID-19, we are adjusting and finding our groove, but these
behaviors are new to us. Actually, that is not true. It is only new to some of
us.
The answers to many of our questions lie
within the world of gaming and those who play. You read that right! Gamers have
the playbook for the best methods to live and work successfully in an online,
techno driven society. Gamers are known for following instructions really well
and gaming a natural boon when interviewing for a job. This group is generally,
but not exclusively, comprised of digital natives, born after 1991 (the advent
of the internet and PC). Gamers are the folks who play video games; some purely
for down-time recreation and some are Pro Gamers (Professional Gamers).
Historically, greater society tends to cast aspersions upon things they do not
understand, such as those young folks who endlessly stream movies and
made for media production series, buy most everything online (including toilet
paper), and play video games for hours and hours and hours.
Comments and questions about Gamers include: They
sit in front of that screen for so many hours that you barely see them. Like
hermits, they do not leave their rooms (or their screens). How can they be
okay? How can they have friends? How will they succeed in the bigger world? How
can they connect to people if they are not interacting? They are growing up and
playing games. Where is the productivity in this? Why are they still playing
games and do they all really drink Mountain Dew? All of these comments and
questions have reasonable (and in our current state) very helpful answers. In
our current COVID driven state, we need to efficiently and effectively assess
our needs, define our desires, shift our gears, and steady a course of action
that is based upon successful outcomes. Where is our north? In the behaviors
and practices of the gaming community.
There are unexpected parallels between our
current COVID state of affairs and the gaming community. Relatively, we have
the need to communicate with others using providers/programs that many have not
heard of before. Only a matter of weeks ago, you may have texted, messaged,
emailed, used Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest to bring your thoughts across
to others. Some communications were personal, and some meant for a greater
group. Now we are having family gatherings, business meetings, academic classes
and let’s not forget the growing happy hour via Zoom, Skype, Slack, Microsoft
Teams, WebEx and Fuze.
For most people, it is all so new, confusing,
exciting (when digital immigrants finally get it to work). Overall, most people
are just beginning to figure it out. Yet for at least three decades, Gamers
have been using programs such as Skype, Discord, Twitch, Roll20, and games played live with others online, such as Massive Multiplayer Online Games (MMO). There are methods and nuances to
spending significant periods of time with others online. Bari Maida, of BM
Scribbles, is an artist who streams online, in order to remain amongst others
as she frequently works alone. This gives her a chance to interact with others
while she promotes her work. Some people attend to hang out with a group of
people and some clients who commission her can watch their piece come to life.
Her advice: “If there is something that you do not want broadcasted, do not do
it or say it during a virtual meeting. Not only will it be experienced by those
in the session, it can easily be shared on the internet by someone in the
meeting. There are already so many incriminating examples of what not to do
during a Zoom meeting.”
Games like World of Warcraft, Runescape,
Maple Story, Final Fantasy XIV, Fortnite, Team Fortress II, Neverwinter and
the recently released Animal Crossing: New Horizons have been the gateway
for people to gather in groups of any size, at any time, and for any purpose,
(which includes just hanging around seeing what is happening in the environment
and talking to others if you feel like it). There are also games that support
smaller groups and do not provide options to interact beyond specific game
designs. (This is exactly what we do in “regular” life). Sometimes our
circumstances call for a lot of people and sometimes it does not. Sometimes we
have to meet with one other person, meet the goal and get it done. Although the
previously named games also qualify, games such as Rocket League, FIFA 18,
Madden NFL 19, NHL 19, WWE 2K19, MBA Jam and Mario Kart Racing have ample
players who can explain how to remain within these environments (in front of a
screen) for lengthy periods of time.
Gamers have taught us that it is not the corner or penthouse office or the length of our commute but the quality of our efforts that counts. Just sign up and sign in with the platform that is
designed to bring you to your goal. Gamers have effectively established that
regular or lengthy online interaction supports people who want to gather and
chat, hangout to not be alone, meet challenges, build sportsmanship, find
motivation, do huge boss battles (fight one really strong enemy that you cannot
fight alone - we have all been here before in some way), explore the world
together (in gaming that is specific to the game of interest - outside of
gaming that is something we can do together online) and create game tools
(a.k.a. in-game) that might be helpful for other players (that sound like
working together to help build the greater good).
Genuine relationships form and grow as
interactions become socially familiar. Sometimes, you are introduced to someone
through a friend or you may meet in gatherings (similar to meeting at a party
or event). Because the response time is quick and often in real time, banter
can increase to deeper conversations. In turn, some of those conversations lead
to authentic friendships and collaborations. Think of it like a hyped-up
version of the pen-pal system, except way faster. You may be on a path where
your network expands very quickly, and you might make some new friends along
the way.
According to Emil Bodenstein, CEO of Alpha
North Sports & Entertainment, the host of Gamerz Arena tournaments, there is good
news. You are a Gamer if you use your phone to play anything; CandyCrush,
Scrabble, Words with Friends. You may also be surprised to know that AARP reports that in the U.S. alone, 44% of people over 50 years old play games online for an average of five hours a week. That means
there are at least 50 million adults who are Gamers. You can even play MMO
puzzle games. Yes, you. You are equipped for this new world and you can do this.
The Playbook:
Many people do not feel comfortable entering an unfamiliar situation. It is like walking into a
party and not knowing anyone. Ask a Gamer to assist you – they know all about
this party. Here is some of their advice:
Whether you are one of the 50 million Gamers over 50 or you have no experience, the
gaming community has a playbook to help you find comfort and success while
living, working and spending so much time online.
A thought to maybe tack on to elaborate: "It's just like
entering a room of people; you can see them all, and they can all see you. It
may be through a screen, but you are still actively spending time with
people."
Make sure you have everything that you need to spend long periods of time in front
of your computer. Food, drinks, files, books….
Be healthy! As time goes on, do not buy into the stereotypical couch potato Gamer
trope. Every time you reach a certain platform or marker in your online day
stop, drop and plank (Come on...you are wearing pajama pants. You can do this
or downward dog or something). There are a lot of examples provided by Gamers
Be relevant. Join the discussion. Once you sign on, say hello to everyone. This is
polite, shows you are participating and verifies that your system is working
correctly.
What type of perception do you want to give to those who see you? Keep in mind you
are in a new environment – you are NOT in your professional office. You are
probably somewhere in your home. If there is laundry hanging behind, that may
not be consistent with your professional persona. You do not have to redecorate
but you may want to aim your computer in a direction that makes you
comfortable. Everyone can see what your camera sees.
Know who is in, or may enter, then room: Recently, while teaching a class, a young
woman walked behind the student, to finish getting dressed. She did not seem to
realize that the student was involved in an online video class. Understand what
the routines are in the space you chose. If it is 7 am and someone is making
smoothies, that is what everyone will hear (or see) unless you are on mute and
turn off the camera if it is time to get dressed.
Although you can temporarily turn off your camera without
leaving the call, please don't do it often. It's disruptive and distracting to
turn your camera on and off a lot (as your portion of the screen goes black
each time you turn it off). The mute button, however, is usually a soundless
and unnoticeable switch to turn on and off.
The simple things matter. Know where the video and audio buttons are so that you
can mute yourself while others are speaking. This will also decrease the
chances of audio feedback. Many workspace platforms also allow you to mute your
video, giving you a chance to scratch your head – or whatever you need to –
without distracting others. If you wouldn't do
it in an in-person meeting, don't do it in an online meeting unless you really
have to. If that's the case, turn the camera and/or mic off for the duration
and return when ready.
The more you connect with others, the less alone you feel – because you are not
alone. You are with everyone in that room (albeit virtual) in real-time. If
they sneeze, you say Bless you and they say thank you, just like
you are in the same physical room.
Have respect for others in the room. Some may not move as fast as you, or maybe you
are not moving along as fast as others. Once you have all found your comfort
zones, the learning curve will shift, and you will all work as a team – or in
your assigned roles.
Generally, online communities are supportive. They understand that everyone is basically
there for a similar reason. If there is someone that is being inappropriate,
you can contact a member of the team (or room) separately to discuss it. Then
the correct protocols can be followed without public harassment and discomfort
to the greater group. This also keeps group discussions on course.
Like anything in life, like changing from
whole milk to 1%, you will eventually get used to it and then the new thing is
the one you prefer. Once you have been on that road for a little while,
intrigue, confidence and comfort increase. Do not fear, the Gamers are here,
and they have got you. None of this means that you should reach out to
strangers who are good at gaming. Just like off-line life there are good people
and others with bad intentions. So be smart and remember that we all know
someone (or know someone who knows someone) that is trustworthy. A friend, grandchild,
trusted acquaintance, colleague, they know the play. Reach out and ask a trusted
Gamer for advice, they really know what they are talking about and can help to
guide your way. After you find a comfortable space in your home and use the
technology a few times, your level of familiarity will grow. The more you
connect the easier it becomes. You own this trend.
from face-to-face lives to living (and working) on-line. This has been a
difficult time for everyone as we have had to almost suddenly make changes that
had one month ago been completely unimaginable. That is the word, unimaginable.
Beyond historical discussions of bioterrorism, you wouldn’t have thought we
would be all alone together.
This is not bioterrorism; this is a virus and
this virus is doing its job perfectly. Viruses exist to infect, find a host
cell and spread, which is exactly what the coronavirus is doing. In our effort
to terminate this virus, we have established new terminology such as shelter in
place, self-quarantine, social distancing and super-spreader. In what may seem
like a heartbeat our lives have changed. Conversations and focus have narrowed
in on how to move from working and socially interacting in close physical
proximity to sheltering in place, while we socialize (and if we are fortunate,
work) autonomously solely using technology. Commutable distances are no longer
an issue. We can do it all – or most of it – from here. Within this brief and
frenetic period how often have you heard; we have no idea how to do this.
There is no format for everyone one of us staying in and doing so much online.
How long can we stand meeting in this way? Is there etiquette? What is this? Weeks
into the spread of COVID-19, we are adjusting and finding our groove, but these
behaviors are new to us. Actually, that is not true. It is only new to some of
us.
The answers to many of our questions lie
within the world of gaming and those who play. You read that right! Gamers have
the playbook for the best methods to live and work successfully in an online,
techno driven society. Gamers are known for following instructions really well
and gaming a natural boon when interviewing for a job. This group is generally,
but not exclusively, comprised of digital natives, born after 1991 (the advent
of the internet and PC). Gamers are the folks who play video games; some purely
for down-time recreation and some are Pro Gamers (Professional Gamers).
Historically, greater society tends to cast aspersions upon things they do not
understand, such as those young folks who endlessly stream movies and
made for media production series, buy most everything online (including toilet
paper), and play video games for hours and hours and hours.
Comments and questions about Gamers include: They
sit in front of that screen for so many hours that you barely see them. Like
hermits, they do not leave their rooms (or their screens). How can they be
okay? How can they have friends? How will they succeed in the bigger world? How
can they connect to people if they are not interacting? They are growing up and
playing games. Where is the productivity in this? Why are they still playing
games and do they all really drink Mountain Dew? All of these comments and
questions have reasonable (and in our current state) very helpful answers. In
our current COVID driven state, we need to efficiently and effectively assess
our needs, define our desires, shift our gears, and steady a course of action
that is based upon successful outcomes. Where is our north? In the behaviors
and practices of the gaming community.
There are unexpected parallels between our
current COVID state of affairs and the gaming community. Relatively, we have
the need to communicate with others using providers/programs that many have not
heard of before. Only a matter of weeks ago, you may have texted, messaged,
emailed, used Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest to bring your thoughts across
to others. Some communications were personal, and some meant for a greater
group. Now we are having family gatherings, business meetings, academic classes
and let’s not forget the growing happy hour via Zoom, Skype, Slack, Microsoft
Teams, WebEx and Fuze.
For most people, it is all so new, confusing,
exciting (when digital immigrants finally get it to work). Overall, most people
are just beginning to figure it out. Yet for at least three decades, Gamers
have been using programs such as Skype, Discord, Twitch, Roll20, and games played live with others online, such as Massive Multiplayer Online Games (MMO). There are methods and nuances to
spending significant periods of time with others online. Bari Maida, of BM
Scribbles, is an artist who streams online, in order to remain amongst others
as she frequently works alone. This gives her a chance to interact with others
while she promotes her work. Some people attend to hang out with a group of
people and some clients who commission her can watch their piece come to life.
Her advice: “If there is something that you do not want broadcasted, do not do
it or say it during a virtual meeting. Not only will it be experienced by those
in the session, it can easily be shared on the internet by someone in the
meeting. There are already so many incriminating examples of what not to do
during a Zoom meeting.”
Games like World of Warcraft, Runescape,
Maple Story, Final Fantasy XIV, Fortnite, Team Fortress II, Neverwinter and
the recently released Animal Crossing: New Horizons have been the gateway
for people to gather in groups of any size, at any time, and for any purpose,
(which includes just hanging around seeing what is happening in the environment
and talking to others if you feel like it). There are also games that support
smaller groups and do not provide options to interact beyond specific game
designs. (This is exactly what we do in “regular” life). Sometimes our
circumstances call for a lot of people and sometimes it does not. Sometimes we
have to meet with one other person, meet the goal and get it done. Although the
previously named games also qualify, games such as Rocket League, FIFA 18,
Madden NFL 19, NHL 19, WWE 2K19, MBA Jam and Mario Kart Racing have ample
players who can explain how to remain within these environments (in front of a
screen) for lengthy periods of time.
Gamers have taught us that it is not the corner or penthouse office or the length of our commute but the quality of our efforts that counts. Just sign up and sign in with the platform that is
designed to bring you to your goal. Gamers have effectively established that
regular or lengthy online interaction supports people who want to gather and
chat, hangout to not be alone, meet challenges, build sportsmanship, find
motivation, do huge boss battles (fight one really strong enemy that you cannot
fight alone - we have all been here before in some way), explore the world
together (in gaming that is specific to the game of interest - outside of
gaming that is something we can do together online) and create game tools
(a.k.a. in-game) that might be helpful for other players (that sound like
working together to help build the greater good).
Genuine relationships form and grow as
interactions become socially familiar. Sometimes, you are introduced to someone
through a friend or you may meet in gatherings (similar to meeting at a party
or event). Because the response time is quick and often in real time, banter
can increase to deeper conversations. In turn, some of those conversations lead
to authentic friendships and collaborations. Think of it like a hyped-up
version of the pen-pal system, except way faster. You may be on a path where
your network expands very quickly, and you might make some new friends along
the way.
According to Emil Bodenstein, CEO of Alpha
North Sports & Entertainment, the host of Gamerz Arena tournaments, there is good
news. You are a Gamer if you use your phone to play anything; CandyCrush,
Scrabble, Words with Friends. You may also be surprised to know that AARP reports that in the U.S. alone, 44% of people over 50 years old play games online for an average of five hours a week. That means
there are at least 50 million adults who are Gamers. You can even play MMO
puzzle games. Yes, you. You are equipped for this new world and you can do this.
The Playbook:
Many people do not feel comfortable entering an unfamiliar situation. It is like walking into a
party and not knowing anyone. Ask a Gamer to assist you – they know all about
this party. Here is some of their advice:
Whether you are one of the 50 million Gamers over 50 or you have no experience, the
gaming community has a playbook to help you find comfort and success while
living, working and spending so much time online.
A thought to maybe tack on to elaborate: "It's just like
entering a room of people; you can see them all, and they can all see you. It
may be through a screen, but you are still actively spending time with
people."
Make sure you have everything that you need to spend long periods of time in front
of your computer. Food, drinks, files, books….
Be healthy! As time goes on, do not buy into the stereotypical couch potato Gamer
trope. Every time you reach a certain platform or marker in your online day
stop, drop and plank (Come on...you are wearing pajama pants. You can do this
or downward dog or something). There are a lot of examples provided by Gamers
on the web about this.
Be relevant. Join the discussion. Once you sign on, say hello to everyone. This is
polite, shows you are participating and verifies that your system is working
correctly.
What type of perception do you want to give to those who see you? Keep in mind you
are in a new environment – you are NOT in your professional office. You are
probably somewhere in your home. If there is laundry hanging behind, that may
not be consistent with your professional persona. You do not have to redecorate
but you may want to aim your computer in a direction that makes you
comfortable. Everyone can see what your camera sees.
Know who is in, or may enter, then room: Recently, while teaching a class, a young
woman walked behind the student, to finish getting dressed. She did not seem to
realize that the student was involved in an online video class. Understand what
the routines are in the space you chose. If it is 7 am and someone is making
smoothies, that is what everyone will hear (or see) unless you are on mute and
turn off the camera if it is time to get dressed.
Although you can temporarily turn off your camera without
leaving the call, please don't do it often. It's disruptive and distracting to
turn your camera on and off a lot (as your portion of the screen goes black
each time you turn it off). The mute button, however, is usually a soundless
and unnoticeable switch to turn on and off.
The simple things matter. Know where the video and audio buttons are so that you
can mute yourself while others are speaking. This will also decrease the
chances of audio feedback. Many workspace platforms also allow you to mute your
video, giving you a chance to scratch your head – or whatever you need to –
without distracting others. If you wouldn't do
it in an in-person meeting, don't do it in an online meeting unless you really
have to. If that's the case, turn the camera and/or mic off for the duration
and return when ready.
The more you connect with others, the less alone you feel – because you are not
alone. You are with everyone in that room (albeit virtual) in real-time. If
they sneeze, you say Bless you and they say thank you, just like
you are in the same physical room.
Have respect for others in the room. Some may not move as fast as you, or maybe you
are not moving along as fast as others. Once you have all found your comfort
zones, the learning curve will shift, and you will all work as a team – or in
your assigned roles.
Generally, online communities are supportive. They understand that everyone is basically
there for a similar reason. If there is someone that is being inappropriate,
you can contact a member of the team (or room) separately to discuss it. Then
the correct protocols can be followed without public harassment and discomfort
to the greater group. This also keeps group discussions on course.
Like anything in life, like changing from
whole milk to 1%, you will eventually get used to it and then the new thing is
the one you prefer. Once you have been on that road for a little while,
intrigue, confidence and comfort increase. Do not fear, the Gamers are here,
and they have got you. None of this means that you should reach out to
strangers who are good at gaming. Just like off-line life there are good people
and others with bad intentions. So be smart and remember that we all know
someone (or know someone who knows someone) that is trustworthy. A friend, grandchild,
trusted acquaintance, colleague, they know the play. Reach out and ask a trusted
Gamer for advice, they really know what they are talking about and can help to
guide your way. After you find a comfortable space in your home and use the
technology a few times, your level of familiarity will grow. The more you
connect the easier it becomes. You own this trend.
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Human history is marked with social messages that include statements that define where we are as a society. Now, in a time that is fixed on ideals such as “Live your best life,” this and similar affirmations put forward that you “are enough.” Yet somehow, these proclamations also indicate that” we must keep up, improve, and rise beyond the mark. These messages, although intended to motivate, can also be stressful as they request that you make statements dictating how you see your life – how you see yourself. Social media, the very media that calls its scrollers like a siren in the night, is saturated with videos and stories of people who speak of working to “Embrace the journey” with others showing you methods to “Live. Your. Life” and “Do you”. In and of themselves, these pronouncements wonderfully encourage inspiration and the quest for personal and/or professional improvement. Yet, after the excitement of that video or audio has faded, how do you keep it up? How do you move yourself from where you have been to that new, improved life? Not to kick the popular command Live.Your.Life. in the shin but, factually, you are living your life. You are living your life in real time, as it really exists, with positive and negative external pressures and internal concerns. To accurately and more successfully establish a path to bettering your life, it is extremely helpful to decide what will work for you. If you thoughtfully and deliberately decide that you will improve your circumstances, you should lean into the scientific insights of neurolinguistics. This interdisciplinary study explains the relationship between the brain and language. As I explain in my book, One Eighty: A Counterintuitive Method for Long-lasting Personal and Professional Change, one of the functions of the brain is to interpret what we experience. Therefore, when creating or hearing language, we interpret that information as we understand it – within our own framework. That means if you want to alter something in your life, you need to adjust it and speak about it in a way that you can understand. If you want a simpler life but continuously create or enter into complex situations, your actions and thoughts are counterintuitive to what you say you want. If you spend significant amounts of time seeking out and speaking about problems, that is exactly how life will become- you will feel that problems abound and are inescapable. This is not to suggest that the power of positive professions works alone. It does suggest that as you create and act upon experiences that are in line with what you desire, life will feel much better, as you will be synchronized with the feelings you want to experience. Those good feelings stimulate brain chemistry that drives you to do things that increase more good feelings. Over the course of my work as a business consultant and psychotherapist, many people have told me that after making life changes, they are (Insert Name) 2.0.. (i.e.: Jake 2.0). This declaration provides a focused recognition that there had been a prior version of oneself, and now there is a newer, improved version. The trick to long-lasting change is to use what you have to arrive somewhere better. If you want to move from where you reside, you don’t throw everything out. Even if you get rid of most of your belongings, you keep the items that matter to you (or will make life work) until you have the resources to replace them. Therefore, if you want to change, look at your strengths. Conduct a personal inventory. If you are good at something you can adapt it to effectively work with something else. For instance, you may be great at organizing things in your home but not good at money management. You may be intimidated by financial matters. Maybe you do not know enough about the topic to feel like you can make any real progress. Think about this: the management of anything takes organizational skills. Whether you have a lot of money or very little, thinking about what responsibilities, income, and other assets you have is concrete information. It is as concrete as the items in your house. Therefore, you can decide to think a thought like, “I organized every closet and that worked. Let me look into my financial closet and straighten that out.” The thought of your organized closets will bring pictures into your mind that are accompanied by a sense of accomplishment and good feelings. Maybe you used new containers for your closet. Liken that to a new container for your money – like a bank account or fund (or whatever works for you). This simple and easy approach helps you to decrease stress as you apply one relatable skill (or talent) to a new place. The decrease of stress (which is often backed up by thoughts and statements such as “I can’t do this.” “I don’t know what I am doing.” etc.) removes the obstacles that stand in the way or your progress. The more you add these comfortable methods to your daily routines, the more those areas of your life will change. Take the time out to do this so that you can Live.Your.Life. as you have defined it. This way, you can factually live your best life and be the best version of you - (Insert your name) 2.0.
Yes, I heard you. How many times have you either made that comment or had someone say that to you? When stopping to think about it, it is considerably interesting that we need to check in with people when speaking with them or being spoken to. If there were confidence that our words were being heard, we would not have to ask that question. In a world that is moving quickly, with social media and technology that accelerates time and delivery, our ability to maintain focus is challenged. (Perhaps this is why so many people think they have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. But that’s a different discussion for a different day.) Even with schedules that allow for downtime, people seem busier than ever, as they profess to have evolved from living to work to working to live. Oh, and then there are the emotions and physiological responses that partner with life lived in the fast lane. These circumstances do not only impede our ability to focus outwardly, but they also affect how we listen. It is as if we need to listen faster. Although we cannot increase the natural speed of the vibration of sound, we seem to think we can increase the rate at which we listen. Hearing is a function of the ears but listening – that is evidence of a magnificent relationship between the ears and the brain. “Listening can be thought of as applying meaning to sound: allowing the brain to organize, establish vocabulary, develop receptive and expressive language, and learn, internalize and indeed…listening is where hearing meets the brain.” ( Beck, Flexer, 2011 ) Whether you are in a circumstance that requires you to think quickly or not, as a survival mechanism, your brain is concerned with both the information that is taken in and what is coming up next. Your mind is literally thinking ahead to the point where it begins to create reactions that may or may not be warranted. And this is where we often get ourselves into trouble. Whether it’s a personal matter, business, political, social justice, or wanting to get through an online retail transaction, people often find themselves strategizing to pounce on a conversation. We are listening for key terms and material that will substantiate our position – or our passion – or our point of frustration. When listening to react, even if you’re doing it unknowingly, you are filtering information that you hear through your own interpretation and then using that material to support your own concepts. You are listening while crafting a Oh, well, how about this come-back. Yet, if we shift our listening to aid in understanding the content being delivered, we increase the chances of finding greater satisfaction. We decrease the conflict and increase the progress. Listening to understand is the mark of a good listener. Someone who can move their agenda and their content out of the way to give room for someone else’s. A good listener understands that there may be information outside of their own that may help to build insight, leading to outcomes that are most desirable. So, the next time you are involved with a conversation, think about this: You may be hearing what’s happening and can repeat it, but ask yourself if you are listening to understand to find benefit and resolution or are simply listening to react. Understanding and applying this thought can engage even the most passionate presenters and create a paradigm shift in your overall conversation. I promise you, listening to understand is a game-changer. Source: https://hearingreview.com/?s=listening+is+where+hearing+meets+brain
People tend to repeat the things they think and say more than they realize, such as, It’s time. Have you ever said that? Everybody has thoughts, that they often revisit. Sometimes, we hit these tasks and goals head-on, and at other times, we think, Eh, I can put that off . or I can do a bit here and there . No matter the approach, many times as we think about where we are with that idea, we find ourselves in a familiar place. Let’s say that place is called The Land of It Didn’t Happen . There are reasons this place exists. And yes, more people are card-carrying frequent flyers than you might imagine. For some people, it is simply procrastination. They think about something, possibly get ready, make a move, and then… Well, can I do that later. For others, they are overloaded and prioritize to the point where the task is pushed down on their to-do list, which can go on for any length of time, including many years. Other people are intimidated or fearful of the process in front of them, especially if they are charting new territory. This means that they must spend energy and resources to learn and apply something new to meet their goal, so instead, they decide to wait or approach it in tiny bites. To answer the question How do I get out of the Land of It Didn't Happen? We need to understand this place and why we are basically here. There is no one-size-fits-all. However, there remain commonalities among the people in this designated limbo land. Everyone wants something to happen. They are also a member of a that validates needless worry as the task will eventually get done. There is another common bond; everyone has a brain. Therefore, they have thoughts, feelings, and reactions. So, if you are in an environment that says shrug it off, and you can relate to that idea, there is a great possibility you will stay in flux and not move on your desires too quickly. There is a great biblical scripture that says bad company corrupts good character, which makes sense here. If you surround yourself with people who are unmotivated, it affects you. If you are with highly motivated people, that affects you as well. Unseen pressures: Like it or not, peer pressure is almost everywhere and becomes a measuring rod for self-esteem. Peer pressure in this context is not necessarily people verbally pushing you; it is the unspoken competitive characteristics that are innate to most people. We assess what is around us and figure out how to become a part of the situation. If there are attributes that we find somewhat comfortable, we may look to settle in – even if only for a while. If it is a place that is too foreign or uncomfortable, we will find ways to move on and move out. This is why the Land of It Didn’t Happen is very populated, but it also has a steady flow of people who come and go. To get out of there, you need to defy the cultural norm. That means you have to do something different. Really different. Take a Step Back: Take a step back so you can see your idea clearly. If your face is too close to anything, it can see, and your mind cannot interpret what you are trying to look at. Give yourself enough distance so your idea is clear, and you see both the grand scheme and known details. Assess and Strategize: Now that you have a clear view of what is in front of you, ask yourself if it is manageable. If it is not manageable for you, then the concept may be overly complex in its current form (leading you to the pace you are in). It is like being told to clean your room or office when everything is in disarray. You may sit there (or move a few things around) for hours, days, or months and veritably get nothing done because you do not know where to start. Therefore, to accomplish the goal, make it manageable. So, in the case of the room, choose one area or category of item and figure out what to do with that. Then, when done, move to the next manageable task. This strategy works for all types of people as it simplifies the circumstances and puts you on the path to your goals. The more you use this method, the more you will get done, the better you will feel and the closer you will become to where you want to be. Be self-accepting: In the process, do not beat yourself up. Do not judge yourself harshly. Because if you do, you are staying on this allotment of land. Why? Because you have re-joined the It Didn’t Happen Choir. So, turn your back on those messages, and know that almost everyone has been here at some point in their life. Then, reconcile with yourself and your situation. You are where you are. That is the truth. You are here. Good enough. Now you know what you have and where you are starting from. Re-ignite your excitement: I know this sounds like an online dating comment, but it is a sound sub-strategy. Revisit the thoughts that lead you to your idea(s) to begin with. Was your idea a solution to a problem? Was your idea a way to make a life change that was only one a dream? Nevertheless, think about how you felt when you were creating the idea. Think about that eureka moment or that small, still feeling of satisfaction. This revisitation will help to revive that excitement. (Hint: The more you revisit that time and circumstances, the stronger and more pervasive those feelings become.) Arrange for a successful journey: To make a move, you have to organize your thoughts (metaphorically: your things) and arrange them in a way so that you have step-by-step activities that lead to your goal. It is like packing a suitcase or boxes of items to move. The more organized you are, the easier it is to travel, enjoy your trip, and do whatever it is that you have headed out to do. Having already aligned things to become more manageable assists you in this step. Now you know what you need to lead you to your wishes. In other words, you wouldn’t pack a blender in your suitcase if you were planning to go see New Zealand’s Northern Lights. Land the plane: You are on your way and approaching your destination. This is the scary (or intimidating) part. Do you keep circling, or do you drop your landing gear, line up with the runway and begin your descent? Although most people say they would land the plane, the truth is many people continue to circle because once they land and disembark, they must face whatever is on the ground. Even though planning and preparing for the trip became exciting, the reality of upcoming experiences can be daunting. But remember, you have clarity, know what you have, where you were, where you are, and how you want to feel. So now, you are here. You are no longer in the Land of It Didn’t Happen. That is behind you. Now you are in the World of You Made it Happen. You have arrived.
This blog examines and explains how to best remove the discomfort of change through using change itself.
How to keep those New Year's resolutions and any other promises (at any time) that you have put out there.
There is a change in the air. You can feel it. Just as the season’s do, our lives change also. In essence, the course of our lives has seasons which are defined equally as well as winter is cold and and summer is hot. (For the purposes if this discussion we are using four season climates.) Our personal seasons are an integral part of who we are. In part, they account for our experiences, the development of our characteristics and our environments. Like climate related seasons, these times are temporary. Just as moving from one temporal season to the other promotes growth, so does our individual seasonal movement produce change. The parallels within this metaphor are amazing. Think about it, many people prefer sun drenched environments. However, the cooler weather brings a behind the scenes growth that is essential to the lush green and color-filled flora that blooms after a spell of protective dormancy. This cooler, quieter hibernation period is important to bears, plants and people. There are times where we need to stop our active growth, allow our resources to regroup and recharge and then, move on from there. Yet, however similar, there is also a profound difference. Temporal seasons change as a natural cycle. Personal seasons are both natural and include shifts created by decision-making. These shifts are often a result of what some people term “moving on”. This move can be exciting, scary and propel you in a direction that you never thought you would go in. Moving onward is a time of deliberation and strategic decision making. Beyond the natural progression of personal seasons, decision-based change starts with review. You cannot move on without thinking about what you are leaving. What is it that you are moving on from and why? If you are thinking about moving on, what do you think you should be moving towards? This phase of growth may be the outcome of your hibernation – you less productive season – and now you are ready to assess, set goals and strategize. This is where you will define short and long-term goals – these are the targets that you are aiming for. The assessment period helps to define the goal(s). Ask yourself, what am I trying to achieve? The answer to this question will reveal your goal(s). For instance, if you are looking to change the way your life is going, you need to figure out where it is that you want to place yourself. Kind of like guiding the child inside of you, what do you see that child doing with their life? How would you help that child move through the steps (seasons) in their life to succeed? Do not take the steps for granted. Although you think you have all that you need in place, do a quick inventory to ensure that you are positioned to proceed towards you goal. For instance, if you think that child should live in beautiful surroundings, first you would define what beautiful is to them. Goals need to be relatable, therefore, you would then involve them in experiences that affirm and reaffirm the definition of the concept of beautiful. This proactive exercise assists in the increase of relatability and inspiring change. That moment in time will allow the current season to end, and active growth to commence, ushing in the next season of life.
Photo credit: Galaxiez When you look at the photo above this writing, what are your thoughts? What are your expectations? Warmth? The feeling of sand beneath your feet? The rhythmic sound of the waves rolling in, only to recede back into the beautiful ocean? Or do you think of sand crabs, sharp broken shells and monstruous sea life? Right here, the definition of your upcoming experience and emotions have been grafted into place. Want to know why this happens? Well, here it is: Your brain (which is where all your thoughts, emotions and physical reactions originate and are processed) is at the ready to reason and respond in a variety of ways. Your brain finds reasoning in what it understands. How? Your brain considers an idea and aligns it with a previously known category of thought making the information understandable (categorical thinking). When we consider that we won’t like something – that is generally what happens - your unhappy – at least in the beginning. Let’s say you are tired. You would rather stay home. You like the people you are supposed to see but the more you think about it, the less you can tolerate the thought of being with them - or anyone else for that matter. Is your brain actually telling you that you don’t like people? No. It is trying to figure out whether and why you should stay home or go out. To make that decision, your brain looks to make the most sense of the information it is processing. When your thoughts connect to a category with validating thoughts a decision is made. Unknowingly, we often place ourselves into the very positions that we wish to avoid; counterproductive but true. Why would we do that? Because neurologically, we learn from history. As we grow and gain experience, we learn about good and bad. Although our brain considers both positive and negative thoughts, people are frequently driven more by what they are afraid of than what they are hopeful for. The more we relate to negative the greater the negative slant in our thinking. The same goes for positive references. Think about it: When we were little, we were taught not to put our hand in the fire (or on the stove) because if we did, we would get burned. “It’s hot. It hurts and you will cry.” Watching someone we trust pretend to put their hand near fire and yell OUCH! while making a very sad or scared face is enough for a child to relate to. However, as we mature our mind manages this information a bit differently. Thinking of someone putting their hand in fire/on the stove, your brain takes the scenario much further. If I put my hand in fire I will get burned. That means I may have open wounds. That means I will have pain. I might need bandages. Now you are thinking about the bathroom medicine cabinet. That can lead to the need for a hospital, the next thing you know you are thinking about the burn unit. The more we have experienced (or learned about), the more we information we consider. This is what happens when your brain processes information – good, bad, or indifferent. Here is a mixed-emotion scenario: Recently, I had flowers in my home. My neighbor came in and almost squealed with joy. Who gave those beautiful flowers to you? Do you have an admirer? Have you gone to a wedding? It’s so wonderful to be in love. I felt terrible when I had to tell her that I bought them for myself at Trader Joe’s. In an instant, I saw that I deflated her cheerful expectations. ( So sorry my friend .) The point, science establishes that you have more control in your life than you think. Yes, there are things we cannot control, but there is plenty that we can do. If your experiences are considerably negative (fear-based), that is how you will proceed - with an overlay of caution that becomes an obstacle to your goals. Caution is good but not to the degree of disabling you. Recently, I worked with somebody who was afraid to drive on highways. When we started to talk about it, she could see her point of fear. She adjusted her thinking, when deciding that every time she drove on the highway she was not an eminent target (as she had thought to be true before). Now she drives on the highway with reasonable caution and feels a freedom that she had not experienced prior. So the next time you have an idea or hear of something that sounds good for you, remember how your brain works. As you consider the upcoming activity, if you start to create situations that do not feel good, you will know that your brain has aligned with negative categories. Ask yourself if this is a healthy degree of caution or something designed to derail your success. If it is the latter, deliberately tell your brain (as if it is a separate entity) that there are many good circumstances that go along with the idea. Help your brain to choose the best category and aligned information. Want to feel good? When faced with a decision, ask yourself, What do I expect? Do not wait until you are disappointedly shaking your head muttering Well, of course that happened. What did I expect?
Photo Credit: Medical News Today Tensions are running high. We are regularly distracted by the troubles of our world. On the heels of adjusting within an erratic environment swayed by a pursuant virus, we are also challenged to remain healthy while being inundated by a deluge of information. This is no easy task, so it is smart to learn about what your brain (mind) is doing. While managing the typical stressors of daily life, we juggle material that often induces fear, worry and sadness. Our minds simply do not learn and discard information. We have not learned of events such as Jim Jones’ Guyana massacre, the school shooting in Columbine, and the hunt and execution of Osama bin Laden only to then forget it all as if nothing had happened. All the while, these stories are kept within the recesses of our mind, along with other concerns, and then compounded by whatever arises next. George Floyd, victimization that has spurred hashtag movements, each of which beckons us to question beliefs and behaviors. All of this adds to our history – our community, global and personal history. Those shot in Buffalo because of their race connects us to the shootings in the 2018 Pittsburg synagogue. The murdered children and teachers in Texas bridge all gaps to the Sandy Hook children and adults killed in 2012. Current political and civil rights issues connect us to a myriad of inflamed policies leading as far back as the 1787 adoption of the U.S. Constitution. Feeling a little uptight? I bet you are. Your brain, and your body can only handle just so much without being affected. What can you do to counteract the intensity of our experiences? Increase your perspective. Once upon a time, people lived in a world where the news was based upon the confines of local communities. Now, as fortunate as we are to have ever-progressing technology, we are connected to insurmountable information. You are no longer just a member of your hometown, but the global community as well. Even where technology is minor, there is someone able to share the news. This is where many distractions come from. Your brain is built, significantly so, to problem solve. Therefore, even if you are not a person who thinks they need to solve everybody's problems, your mind is constantly trying to find a way to solve the mystery at hand. This includes how to feel better during tumultuous times (think fight or flight). Therefore, although you may not single-handedly quelle conflicts within Ukraine you are still vexed with how to live in a world with significant discord. How are you supposed to secure peace of heart and focus? These issues combined explain why so many people are feeling overwhelmed and more stressed than ever. With minds that are transfixed upon multiple levels of issues, our brains are working over-time to work through compounded matters – both good and bad. Thankfully, there are a myriad of ways to decrease your stress through your internal need to problem-solve and desire for personal peace. Additionally, your tension and/or tranquility affects your environment and those around you. This means that you have an accountability not only to yourself but to the health of your environment. Make a decision. In our ever-expanding technological world there are videos, articles, and podcasts (many of which are very good) that can guide you to peace, purpose, and health. We are at no loss for motivational hacks and insights to put us in touch with our better selves. Make the decision to connect to some answers. If you are not sure where to look, search for material on subject such as breathing exercises, guided imagery, better mental health, nutrition, and the like. My suggestion is to also go outside of the box and look to material that answers your need. For instance, having trouble keeping your focus? Look to material about ADHD. (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) does not mean that the person is bouncing off the walls. It means that the mind is moving very quickly making it difficult to maintain focus.) Therefore, discussions addressing ADHD can provide you with effective information to help make the changes that you want. Ultimately, there are a lot of answers in a lot of places; some in obvious places and some in places that you may ordinarily overlook. (If the answers you already have aren’t working then the answers are probably elsewhere – or you need to apply the answers differently. This is a discussion we can problem-solve in another blog on a different day.) There is so much opportunity to access helpful information that you can tailor your journey to better mental health in accordance with your needs. That alone can decrease your tension and stress and increase your satisfaction and peace of mind.
Photo credit: Ellie Burgin I have just decided that I want to be four years old again. Or three. Or even two. I do not mean all day, just when I need to be. Think about it. When we are young, it is perfectly okay to cry or emotionally fall apart in public. Wouldn’t it be great if we could throw ourselves on the floor in a store aisle, huff and puff and completely lose it? If you could do that, do you realize how quickly your stress would dissipate? It is safe to say, that when in a public place, a crying (or screaming) child can be off-putting. This expressive vocalization is disruptive and, to many, annoying. Yet, if you stop to think about what is really happening, that child is crumbling for a reason. In that upsetting moment, verbal combustion may be their only reference point to express their feelings. Young children are often unable to articulate their feelings in real time because they have not yet developed adult language and nuances. They need time to get there - like years. Yelling (or screaming) is a powerful tool that addresses the momentum of emotions and is more functional than you may believe. Think about the men’s groups that meet on mountain tops or in the woods to yell together. Ever hear of Primal Scream Therapy ? There is something about the transformational experience of a person who, when alone, yells or screams to get that irritating energy out of their head and heart. (This is not permission to become verbally or emotionally aggressive. This is not about becoming out of control and yelling AT others. This is about healthy processing.) Crying is also a smart idea. We cry for all different reasons, one of which is when we simply cannot contain the emotive energy anymore. Research documents that crying stimulates the release of oxytocin and prolactin, which are two chemicals that decrease your heart rate and bring a sense of calmness. Similar to spontaneous yelling and gut-level grunting, crying is a way to manage our overflow. Without it we would implode, withdraw or become volcanic. Also, when adults can’t deal with a child’s outburst, they offer them things like toys or ice cream, purely because the grown-up can’t regulate the emotional overflow quickly enough. Compounding the issue, the adult may become so frustrated that perhaps they start yelling. Wouldn’t it be amazing if the adult threw themselves on the floor with the child? Imagine the possibilities. I bet the youngster would become very quiet and then either console the adult or rejoin the activity. What a funny thought. Now, I feel like going out, finding a screaming kid and throwing myself on the floor to experience a side-by-side freak out. We are socialized to contain and maintain our upset. We are told at young ages not to cry and not to yell, which are the underpinnings of socialized peace. Yet, we need to do something with our power-packed feelings. Yes, there are pillows and punching bags to unload on, but maybe redirecting that pent-up energy, is not such a bad idea. I am NOT saying that while shopping, in a theater or during dinner you should start yelling and bawling your eyes out. However, if that much energy is building up within you, maybe you need to get that out at some point – sooner than later. Otherwise, those feelings will continue to build and…kaboom! (Kaboom can include withdrawing from others.) Sure, there is retail therapy, drinking excessively, drugging, over-working, none of which solves the problem. So, it is best to do something that will shift your brain chemistry and allow you to truly feel better. You know what to do. Find a private space and yell like you are crazy. Don’t like that? Go for a run, bike, dance, do something thrilling, watch a comedy and laugh…there are many ways to use that energy. Or simply let those tears flow and cry me a river. Of note: At the age of two, I threw a tantrum and twenty-one spoons in the famed New York City Mama Leoni’s Restaurant. Upon throwing the twenty first spoon, my grandfather took me out of the dining area and into the closed off entryway until I calmed down. Then we all felt better.
Photo Credit: Lies About Parenting Today, it was another call. Another. This time it was about an eighth-grade female who was physically and verbally assaulted. Why? Because one of her parents is Russian. As she cried and begged, she repeated that her other parent is Ukrainian. That didn’t matter to the hate-filled, myopic, high school-age aggressors. She is half Russian and that is all they could see – or wanted to see. Like a cyclops, they could only see within the tunnel of their vision. They acted upon decisions made before the beatings and verbal assaults occurred. Here, in the land of tolerance, the choice to attack her was based upon finding someone to hate, someone to become a nation’s scapegoat. It is incredibly disturbing to think that in a nation where words like “woke” are invented this is possible. More so, in this country alone, the financial expenditure for diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) training is extensive and growing. The Society of Human Resource Management reported that Fortune 1000 companies spend between $30,000 to $1.5 million on DEI training. The watchdog organization, Parents Defending Education reports that since 2020, the public school budget for such training exceeds $21 million. All of this training is bolstered by the estimated $11.3 plus billion self-improvement industry aimed at helping people to become better versions of themselves ( Metadata ). Together, these annual figures mark our commitment to the betterment of ourselves and others. We live in an era where countless people, on and off all forms of media, speak about how we must be tolerant and understanding of others. Throngs of people gather to advocate for the vulnerable. Yet, a determination to hurt people flows beneath the surface of our socially-just conversations. Yes, there will always be conflict, and conflict has its place in growth. And no, we don't all have to approve or agree. However, people being held accountable for something they have nothing to do makes no sense. This young girl has nothing to do with international politics. Situations such as this should give us pause, like stop-dead-in-your-tracks-pause, and demand critical review. What are we really doing? We live a society that is proud of its interpersonal and technological ability to support social and industrial interchange. However, we are challenged to add the balance of emotional intelligence when there is a consistent stream of material that keeps us within our own frame of reference. Think about it. You look at sneakers online and, magically, you receive a lot of sneaker advertisements, etc.. Those digital algorithms are hard at work to ensure you see what you are interested in. Therefore, unless we go out of our way, we often receive information that is geared toward our current way of thinking. As you might have guessed, one of the best methods to create balance is to educate ourselves as much as we can. However, education without application is wasteful. Whether from the streets or the classroom, we are called to transform as we move the lesson to real life. It is one thing to talk about advocating for our vulnerable/ greater community but it is another thing to do it. No matter what the personal belief is, it is unkind and unjust to expose the impressionable to biased information aligned with the mistrust and determination needed to isolate their peers. (The making of a bully.) Also, you would think that after two years of pandemic living, we would want to unify and not isolate. This is not a period piece. This far exceeds the overflow of the Russia/Ukraine conflict. The power seat of putting others in their place could use some adjusting. We do not like bullies, so much so that all 50 states have anti-bullying laws with school districts that have complimentary policies. As often connected with roots of bias, our recent past is filled with subtle and strong conflicting messages. Our conversations echo comments that build people up and tear them down. " You are strong, you are smart and your voice counts. You have choices, education leads to opportunity. You can lead or follow, both roles are valuable. We need you and we are here for you. AND They are a liberal, they are a democrat, they are a republican. They wear a mask, they don’t wear a mask, they deliberately let the bats out, they are bad people because their leaders are bad, so let’s assume the authority to tell them they have no value." Conflicting opinions can be powerful and cause progress but demoralizing others for different points of view can be damaging . How about we allow our convictions to strengthen who we are, without destroying those with different opinions - or in the case of children, those who are just learning? Building upon strength is always better than building upon weakness. We talk about success strategies, reflection/assessment, and mindfulness, so let's do it. Let’s not disappoint the Statue of Liberty (as if she were real). Food for thought; our children are our next leaders. Why, in a time where self-improvement, DEI and restorative justice are a significant part of our social narrative, is there a penchant to spur and cast aspersions upon others? What are we modeling and teaching our upcoming industry, political and social leaders? Words are powerful and actions are observable. This young girl, a straight A student and involved community member, became a victim to deliberate, well-thought-out messaging and actions that are destructive. These messages will never leave her. She will remember this forever. Even if she progresses beyond this series of events, it will remain in the back of her mind. We need to do better - much better. Need a challenge? Think about your stake in the (approximate) collective $11,321,7000,000 investment in tolerance. We have put our money where our mouth is. Now, it is time to reconcile our expenditures with our behavior. Let's help that eighth grader heal by making her proud.